


The December Perspectives

by Darling_Diver



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: Cross-Posted on Tumblr
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-30
Updated: 2014-12-19
Packaged: 2018-02-27 12:11:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2692499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darling_Diver/pseuds/Darling_Diver
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Synopsis: Set of 7 alternating POV chapters set between Friday, December 6, 1996 (two days after “Glue”, S2XE7), and Friday, December 13, 1996 (Rae’s birthday). Each will be from the perspective of someone in the gang (Rae, Chloe, Izzy, Archie, Chop, Finn, and Danny). The character relationships will pick up where S2E7 ended and hopefully tie into wherever they are when S3E1 takes us back to Lincolnshire.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Christmas Jumpers (Rae POV)

**Friday, December 6, 1996: Christmas Jumpers**

Rae sat on Finn’s bed, staring at him. It had been raining for days at variable intensities, with only brief respites. She heard the first drop fall while standing in her ensuite bathroom two days before, smoothing lotion over her hands before returning to Finn who was perched on the edge of her mattress. As he stood and took two steps to meet her, rain fell harder against the window.  _Better than any song._ From that night forward, rain inspired her to smile. Every drop reminded her of redemption in relationships.  _Friend._ The coolness of it against Rae’s skin reminded her of being alive.  _Survivor._ It’s constant presence reminded her some things can always be dependable. _Daughter._ Rae knew rain had fallen countless days before the Wednesday night of that week, but it would never be same same after December 4, 1996. The day she saw undeniable signs of personal change she pled for over years she had once considered swallowed up by a hopeless abyss.

Finn furrowed his brows, pursing his lips to the side. “I won’t do it.” 

It took every once of control Rae had to not launch herself across the bed and kiss him. “Yes, you will.” 

“No, I won’t.” He shook his head.

“It’s for Archie. This is important to him.” Rae smiled. “Besides, it’s the holidays. We’re meant to celebrate, yeah? I don’t want to do it either, but it’s a good chance for everyone to have a laugh. We need to laugh together.” 

Finn rolled his eyes. “That’s all I need, you and Archie ganging up on me for something this ridiculous.” 

“Come on then, we’ll all look ridiculous. I don’t want to do it either, but after all we’ve been through since summer it’s worth it.” She raised her shoulders and eyebrows.

“Right then, I’ll only do it because you two are asking.” He reluctantly nodded. “So what did you bring?”

Rae leaned over to the denim backpack dropped on the floor next to her right foot, now dangling from the bed. She lifted and set it between them, putting her fingers on the zipper and pausing. “Now, don’t say ‘no’ at first. Wait, yeah?”

“Alright then, just get on with it.” He made an attempt to take the zipper from her hand, but as their skin touched they both stilled and held the other’s gaze. 

The touch sent Rae’s nerves tingling, starting where they made contact and slowly reverberating up her arm and into her chest like ripples in a pond. Her chest rose and fell faster, her tongue sliding over her bottom lip just before she pulled it between her teeth. Finn’s eyes flitted from her eyes, to her mouth, and finally down to her breasts before repeating the cycle. Sex with Finn had exceeded Rae’s expectations, a perfectly imperfect physical expression of their respect and desire for each other. They fumbled, laughed, hesitated, but were surprised by the relative comfort they found in each other’s arms. Since then, Finn planned to stay in town for the holidays and sort out returning to Stamford. He and Rae talked, nervously treading on familiar ground of dating again. Finn was hesitant, uncertain of how the landscape might shift without warning. Rae was reluctant, worried her delicate upswing in recovery might be knocked off-balance. They both desperately wanted and hoped to be together again though, smiles and glances betraying their sometimes guarded exteriors. 

Rae took a deep breath and swatted his hand away as a teasing smile crept across her lips. “I’ll get on with it when I’m ready.” 

He matched her expression, sitting back. “When you’re ready.”

She pulled back the zipper, opening the front flap to expose two holiday hats and a bundle of knitted clothing in variable shades of green, red, and yellow. Finn scrunched his nose. “You have to be fucking kidding. I’m not wearing that.” He pointed to a headband covered in brown flannel with reindeer antlers extending from the top. 

“Yeah, you are.” Rae picked it up and pulled apart the edges, placing it on top of Finn’s shaggy hair. As she positioned it, her fingers slid down along his jawline. “Look how perfectly it fits.” 

His eyes shot up, as if he could see the adornment. “Bloody hell.” Finn shook his head forcefully, causing the antlers to fall down to the bed between them. “Now you.” He picked up a red elf hat, with green trim at the base and a white puff at the tip. Finn pulled it over the top of her head, running his hands through her hair. “Perfect.” 

“Well that’s settled, now we have to sort out the jumpers.” Rae reached down and pulled out the knitted bundle from her bag. First she held up an evergreen jumper with bells around the collar, three balls down the middle as buttons, and a yellow belt knitted around the waist. “I should wear this one since it looks a bit like an elf.” Rae pointed to the hat on her head. _Theme._ She picked up the next one, hesitating. “Remember, don’t say ‘no’ just because it’s your first reaction.” 

“This is going to be bad, isn’t it?”

“I mean, it’s from my mum’s closet.” 

Finn laughed, “Oh shit!” 

Before he could say anything else, Rae shook it loose by the shoulders. A jingling sound followed and she clamped her eyes closed even though she held it high enough to avoid seeing Finn’s face. He was dead silent. She waited a moment before peaking around the edge of it. 

Finn sat wide-eyed. “No.” 

“Come on, Finn.” She lowered the jumper. The front was covered in bells held to the garment by brightly colored ribbons. Several reindeer were embroidered between the bells in various jumping positions. “This one goes with the antlers.” Without another word he stood and left the room.  _Shit. I screwed this up, he’s mad. How am I going to get him to go now? He can’t be the only one not in a silly holiday jumper._ Rae nervously waited.  _Should I go after him. Fuck. Was it this miserable for him to wait on my bed the other night? No, couldn’t have been._

Finn plodded back into the room, a black bundle in his hand. “I”ll do it, but only if I wear this.” He extended his arm out in front of her.

Rae took the jumper from his hand, letting it unfold. The front had a large tan reindeer on it with dark brown antlers and a comical grin surrounded by the odd dotting of white snow puffs. She cocked her head to the side. “This isn’t really that silly, Finn.” 

“Yes it is, look at the back.” 

She turned the sweater around to see the back-end of the reindeer with two white ornament balls hanging from where the animal’s privates should be that read [“ho bloody ho”](https://www.pinterest.com/pin/46091596160000537/). Rae burst into laughter just as Finn dropped back to sit on the bed beside her. “Where in the world did this come from?”

“My da. He got it as a joke a few years back from a friend and never got rid of it. I think they had some plan to go out caroling or something but it never happened. If you’re making me the reindeer then that’s the jumper I’m wearing.” 

“Deal.” Rae tossed it at him. “We’ll be late if we don’t change.” 

“Alright then, after you.” He wiggled his eyebrows. 

“Right.” Rae stood, swallowing hard.  _Practice. Have to practice being naked in front of somebody. In front of Finn._ She pulled the grey jumper she had on over her head, the white singlet under it lifting to just below her bra with it. As the neck of the jumper pulled over her eyes, Rae saw Finn standing a foot away from her. He reached to her sides and pulled the singlet down to the waist of her jeans, planting a single kiss on her lips. “When does your mum get home from the hospital?”

Rae’s voice was drowsy with desire. “Tomorrow.” 

“Can we go back to yours tonight after the party?”

Before she could answer, Finn’s dad called to them from downstairs. “What you two doing for dinner tonight?”

Finn rolled his eyes before answering, “Rae promised Archie we would go to a silly jumper party. We’ll eat at his!” 

There was quiet for a few beats before his dad’s voice hesitantly replied, “Sounds good. You two need anything up there?”

“Nah, da! We’re coming down.” Finn shook his head. 

Rae bopped Finn on the nose. “Better get changed Rudolph.” 

“Oh very funny, but I don’t have a red nose so I’m not Rudolph.” 

“Right.” Rae pressed her lips against each other before grabbing the elf jumper from the bed and pulling it over her head.

Half an hour later they stood outside Archie’s house. The antlers dangled from Finn’s hand. Rae nervously scrunched a foam ball in her pocket.  _He is actually going to kill me._ Finn pressed his finger into the buzzer. Rae heard music and laughter from inside. She turned to Finn abruptly. “You have to put them on.” 

“What? Outside?” He narrowed his eyes at her, looking sideways. Finn’s shearling lined denim jacket was securely buttoned around him, concealing his jumper. He refused to let anyone other than Rae or the gang see him in it. 

“Yes, now.”

He begrudgingly pushed the headband onto his head, readjusting his fringe. “There, you happy?”

“One thing’s missing. Come here.” She turned him around by his shoulders so they faced each other. Rae pulled the foam ball out of her pocket and swiftly found the slit on the back of it with her finger, adeptly pushing it on Finn’s nose before he could protest. “There! Now you’re perfect, dickhead.” She tapped the bright red foam nose with her index finger. 

Finn’s eyes crossed in an attempt to look down at it. “For fuck’s sake.” He made an attempt to reach it with his right hand, but before he could pull it off Archie pulled open the door. Rae and Finn turned to him at the same time.

Archie immediately laughed. “Can’t wait to see your jumper, mate.” 

“This is all Rae’s doing.” He lifted a hand back to his nose, but Rae pushed it down.

“My mum always told me not to pick at things, only makes them worse.” She flattened her lips against each other in an effort to not laugh. 

“Come in, the gang is inside.” Archie stepped back, ushering them into the house. 

Rae entered inside first. Finn followed close behind, leaning into her. His breath was hot on the back of her ear as he whispered, “I’ll get you for this later.”

She dropped her eyes to the ground, the playful promise causing her heart to race.  _Later. More of us together. Plans._ Her heart was full of hope.  _Anything is possible._  

As they entered the den, Chloe, Izzy, and Chop were waiting for them. Chop threw out his arms, wrapping Rae in a hug. The room filled with cheer and laughter. At variable moments apprehension passed between everyone from the unresolved events of the past few months. Finn took her hand as they sat on the couch. 

_We have time. We have a chance to make sense of it all…together._


	2. Fairy Lights (Chloe POV)

**Saturday, December 7, 1996: Fairy Lights**

Chloe stared at her reflection in the mirror, the late morning sun highlighting the left side of her face as shadows fell across the right. She looked the same, but her sense of self had shifted. Less than a year ago she was a teenager with fantasies of adulthood. Now she could barely reconcile the girl she was with who she had become. Chloe’s eyes fluttered as she dabbed concealer under her eyes. She dusted her face with powder and examined her features. The pink hue of the bedroom gave her skin a rosy glow.

“You’re meant to be happy. Look at yourself, how could you be anything other than happy?”

Her face seemed foreign, the reflection of her pert features masking ferocious thoughts in her mind. Chloe knew how to be cheerful, play a part, and fit in with social mandates from the world. Since childhood she had been taught to expect better but accept less. It’s a message she heard daily from her parents, boys, girls, magazines, and the telly. Since the beginning of summer, Chloe had invited the path of least resistance into her life. She remembered her first sexual experience with Mr. Carrisford was unlike anything she expected. A seed of doubt was festering about her self-worth, but after that night it grew into thorny vines crawling through her chest. She convinced herself to ignore it, play up the story, and push onward. _This is how it is for everyone. Unwanted, used, surviving to the next relationship._ Months went on, the outcomes of her efforts with Archie, Finn, and Ian entangling her carefully masked self-loathing with any remaining self-worth. Anger festered over the Autumn months, giving her an excuse to run away. She desperately wanted someone to cut out the parts of her she hated. What she discovered was the thorny vines kept growing thicker, strangling her. When Rae sat on the bed with her at Ian’s house, Chloe was overcome with a mixture of relief and fear. _If being with someone like Ian isn’t the solution, then what do I do?_

Chloe shook her head, pulling herself from the memories. “I deserve better.” She rubbed her arms in an attempt at distraction from the burning sensation welling emotions caused throughout her body.

She stood and left her room, going downstairs for breakfast. It had been nearly a week since Rae brought Chloe home. It took her almost a day to look her father in the eye and two more to understand it wasn’t because of shame. Chloe was angry. She’d spent the majority of the next few days out of the house, regaining her footing at school and seeking solace with the gang. The Christmas jumper party at Archie’s house the night before reminded her of how easy things could be with people she respected and trusted, with people who respected her. Each day, the disjointed sensation in her chest faded by an incremental measure.

At the base of the stairs Chloe stopped and stared at the Christmas tree through the living room door. The fairy lights twinkled as she blinked, the moisture in her eyes causing the bright spots to splinter in different directions. She hadn’t noticed the tears until that moment and pushed them brusquely across her cheeks.

Her mum cheerfully called from the kitchen, “You finally awake?”

Chloe’s mum had a well developed ability to ignore the obvious and create a pleasant facade regardless of the circumstances. Nothing had changed since Chloe came home. _I can’t breath._ Her eyes darted around as she answered, “Yeah, heading out to meet the gang. Laters!”

Chloe pulled her coat on and stepped outside before her mum could object. She briskly strode toward Rae’s house. There was no plan to meet for breakfast, but the thought of sitting across the table from her parents was unbearable. She pulled the pink knitted scarf draped over the collar of her bomber jacket snugly around her neck to ward off the damp December air.

Six months ago Chloe never imagined Rae’s house would become a place of refuge, but since the day she sat in her friend’s pastel-striped robe it was the one place she found comfort. Chloe could see now how Rae struggled, but was somehow still able to come and find her. _I want to be that friend too, even for one person. Someone who believes in them so much I can help pick them_ _up._

Her knuckles tapped the front door to Rae’s house. She stuffed her hands into the pockets of her jacket and bobbed up and down at her knees in an attempt to stay warm. No answer. After a minute she considered knocking again. Just as she pulled a hand out there was some shuffling behind the door and Rae pulled it open.

The two girls stared at each other for a brief moment, surprised. Rae looked moderately disheveled, hair tousled and cheeks flushed. Her hands were wrapped around the belt of her robe, securing the knot. “Hiya Chloe.”

Chloe stammered, sorting out what she’d interrupted, “S-sorry, I just didn’t want to be at home and this was the only place I could think to come.”

Finn crossed through the living room behind Rae, glancing briefly in their direction. He backed up and raised a hand in the air. “Hi.”

She nodded, pursing her lips. “Hi, Finn. Sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt. I didn’t remember your mum wasn’t home yet.”

Rae chewed on her lip. “Yeah, they bring the baby home later today.”

Finn was hovering in the middle of the living room, almost as if he were stuck.

Chloe considered her options. “I should go.”

Rae grabbed her arm. “Eat breakfast with us. We were just about to make something.” She glanced back at Finn. “Right?”

The invitation seemed to shake him out of the uncertainty that had settled over his frame. “Yeah, come on Chloe.”

She stepped into the house, the warmth slowly wrapping around her frame as she slid off her coat. Rae closed the door and stepped around her, joining Finn in the living room. The two of them stood awkwardly, as if they couldn’t decide if acting like a couple were appropriate. Chloe dropped her coat on a couch and stared at them. _It’s not like I don’t know you’re together again_.

Finn intently focused on his sock-covered feet, pushing his toes into the carpet.

Rae finally offered, “Maybe some toast?”

Chloe scrunched her nose in contemplation about what she’d stumbled into. “Oh, I don’t know. I’m thinking I should go, babe.”

Rae spoke adamantly, “Don’t be silly.”

“I’ll start some brews.” Finn raised his eyebrows before disappearing into the kitchen.

“Do you know where it is?” Rae called after Finn.

He answered from the other room, “I can find it.”

Chloe stared at Rae, waiting for her friend’s attention to return. When it did she smiled with wide eyes and mouthed the words, “I’m sorry.”

Rae replied in a hushed tone, “No, don’t worry. We were about to have breakfast anyway. Have to get the house ready for mum and Karim to come home.”

“I should have guessed you came back here together after the party.”

Finn called to Rae, “Can’t find the sugar!”

She rolled her eyes at Chloe and smiled, “Coming.”

Rae left Chloe standing alone, where she surveyed the room. The house was void of any holiday decorations, as if the time of year had passed over the Bushtats. She knew it was the product of all the unexpected events the past week had brought into their lives. _The tree in our house is so perfect and planned, as if nothing could get in the way of it being in place each year. Life really happens at Rae’s house, the ugly bits too._ Chloe wandered to the glass-top dining table and sat. She could see Rae and Finn through the doorway into the kitchen. Rae was leaning against the counter next to the stove, Finn standing closely in front of her. It appeared as if he was whispering something into Rae’s ear as his fingers played with strands of her hair on the opposite shoulder. The picture filled Chloe with a mix of emotions. _Don’t look. Watch what you’re missing. They deserve to be happy. Why isn’t it me? Rae’s such a good person. It’s your fault you’re alone. What’s wrong with me?_ Chloe blinked back tears for the second time that morning as her eyes fell to the glass table. She whispered to herself, “Stop it. You’ve no reason to be silly today.”

Rae slid a plate across the table to her. She and Finn had come into the room without Chloe noticing. She blinked rapidly and forced a smile. “Thanks.”

They sat down at the table across from her. The trio ate in silence for a few minutes, the crunch of toast punctuating the air. _At least this is better than sitting across from my mum and dad._ They exchanged brief glances as seconds ticked away. Chloe could almost hear her heartbeat. _Still awkward._ Eventually she and Rae looked at each other, breaking into soft laughter. Chloe dropped her toast on the plate and doubled forward, her laughter increasing in pitch and energy. Rae matched the change, the two girls feeding off each other.

Chloe took a deep breath and looked at Finn, who watched them with a broad grin. “What’s so funny?”

Rae wiped away tears streaming down her face. “I have no idea.”

Finn cleared his throat. “Rae’s trying to talk me into going back to college…”

Rae boisterously cut him off, “You’re done with the idea of staying in Leeds, only makes sense to go back. We have.”

Chloe shrugged. “It’s not so bad, Finn.” He rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, I just…it was all so miserable before.”

Rae optimistically offered, “You know, the first time we walked into college this year the gang scattered. I never noticed it until you were both gone. Maybe it will be different this time if we stick together. It would have to be different if we walked into that building together, saw each other between classes, at lunch, yeah?”

Chloe agreed, “It’s the only way I was willing to go back.”

A playfully frustrated look fell over Finn’s features as he pushed himself against the back of the chair, as if he were a small child avoiding vegetables at dinner. “Shit, I’m going back to college aren’t I?”

Rae pinched his cheek, teasing him. “You’ve got every reason to stay and go back now, haven’t you?”

“Aye, I do.” His smile was warm and inviting.

Chloe thought back to the night before Finn moved when they sat and talked in the chippy, discussing how he couldn’t get over Rae. Finn was more full of life now, almost cheerful. _I never thought I would use that word to describe him._ She continued watching the two tease each other, their banter punctuated by more laughter. She’s his beermat of happiness right now. Finn always laughed a little louder and harder around Rae, his entire body moving with it at moments. _What’s my beermat of happiness? A person? People? Myself?_

“Chloe…Chloe.” Rae stared at her.

“Sorry.” Chloe sheepishly smiled. “What you thinking about?”

“Nothing, just nice to see you two happy.” She gave them a reassuring grin.

“We’re going to clean and Finn had the idea we should get a tree and put it up before they come home. Want to stay?”

“Nah, thanks though. You two should decorate it together. I have an errand I need to run.”

“You sure?” Finn sounded concerned.

“I’m sure. Promise.” Chloe nodded, looking between the two of them and smiling. “I have a lot in my head and I keep finding things to distract myself. I should make myself sort through some of it. Thanks though.” She had shifted to sitting on her hands and leaning forward.

Rae prodded her, “But if you need someone to talk to, you’ll call? You’re not on your own.”

“Yeah, I know. None of us are, we’ve got each other.”

Finn echoed her, “We do.” He slid his hand over Rae’s on her leg under the table. Chloe caught the movement out of her peripheral vision.

She pushed her chair back and stood. “I'll see you laters. Thanks for letting me crash breakfast.”

Rae stood and stepped around the table, pulling Chloe into a hug. “Glad you did.”

“Thanks, babe.” She tightened her arms around Rae.

After pulling her jacket back on and bundling the pink scarf around her neck, Chloe stepped back into the cold. She paused momentarily, mist in the air landing on her skin and hair. _Bookstore._ Chloe's movements were determined as her shoes hit the pavement in long, swift strides.

_Time to buy a new diary and write a new story._


	3. Pine Scented (Chop POV)

**Monday, December 9, 1996:** **Pine Scented**

Chop tapped his fingers on the wood table, the smooth epoxy resin causing them to slip forwards and backwards. Frothy lager sloshed over the rim of the pint in front of him as he picked it up from the table, streaming down the sides and around his fingers pressed into the glass. He took a swig and returned the pint to the half-soggy beermat on the table. Chop wiped his fingers on his jeans and stared at the doors leading outside of The Swan.  _Izzy should be here by now_. It was seven-forty and she had agreed to meet at half past the hour. Chop pressed his tongue against the gap between his front teeth, feeling the soft underside of his lip, and contemplated.  _Kissed another boy. Still can’t understand it._  Nothing had been the same since Archie told him Izzy kissed Peter. Even as the gang came back together, her actions didn’t make sense to Chop and he struggled to move forward.  _I’m a good guy. If she were mad at me why wouldn’t she say something? Why kiss a boy?_ He considered what she’d said in the backseat of Archie’s car.  _She didn’t want to. She was upset and disappointed for what I did to Archie._  Chop ground his teeth together, shifting his jaw from side-to-side. 

His life had been unsteady since that moment sitting next to her in the cramped backseat. They stared at each other in an emotional stalemate. As the gang made amends with each other, Chop and Izzy danced around their unresolved hurts. Chop struggled to focus at the garage, often zoning out in the middle of working on a car. He was more impatient than usual with his parents at home. Most of all, he couldn’t shake the feeling that he was the bad guy who had disappointed everyone.  _I’m always the one that can tell people things they don’t know, a little ahead of everyone else. How was I the one so wrong? Finn didn’t even hesitate. Why was I the only one shocked?_ He took another drink, forcing his frustration down as he swallowed. He didn’t like being wrong when it mattered. Archie mattered and Chop knew he had been wrong. 

One of the double doors swung outward and Izzy walked through, shaking precipitation from her hair and shoulders as she gently stomped her feet on the ground. She lifted her gaze and met his. Chop involuntarily raised a hand to signal her, as if she were still looking for him. She weaved through patrons and tables, making her way across The Swan. He glanced down as she approached. They wouldn’t have the buffer of anyone else tonight.  _First time we’re alone together again_. Chop’s eyes floated up just as she pulled out the chair across the table from him and sat. 

Izzy gave him a fleeting wide-eyed smile. “Sorry, baking cookies with my mum took longer than I thought. I had to leave early.” 

“Shit, will she be mad?”  _That’s all I need is her parents being sore at me for more shit._

“No, she knew I was meeting you so we could talk.” Izzy nodded hesitantly and glanced over to the bar. “I’m going to get a soda.” Before he could offer to get it for her, Izzy pushed back her chair and left. 

Chop leaned back in his seat and whispered, “Fucking brilliant start.” He studied the amber liquid in front of him, froth dissipating around the edges of the glass. 

Izzy re-appeared and scooted back into the table. The two stared at each other for a brief moment. She was the first to speak, “How was work today?”

He absentmindedly nodded. “Good, I mean not too busy.” 

“Good.” Izzy lifted the glass bottle in her hand and took a drink. The bright orange liquid rolled forward as a fraction disappeared. She returned the bottle to the table and rotated it in her hand. Chop watched her fingers slide up and down the ridges. “Why’d you ask me here, Chop?”

He pursed his lips.  _What am I supposed to say? I’m sorry. I’m angry. I want it to be like before. I don’t want to be an idiot._ “I miss you, Iz.” 

Her eyes drifted away from him, refocusing on activity at a table nearby. “What do you mean? We just saw each other at Archie’s party.”

“Suppose.”  _Obviously I’m an idiot._

Her eyes shot back to him. “So what did you mean then?”

“I just…” Chop furrowed his brow and studied the table. His cheeks burned and mind went blank. This is the moment when he normally would have told a joke to break tension with anyone else, but he couldn’t now. Izzy was too important to him, being hurt by and now without her effected him deeper than he wanted to admit. 

“Well, if you brought me here just so we could stare at each other I’m going home.” She stood and waited. Chop could feel her eyes on him, but couldn’t make himself look up at her. She continued, “Alright then, see you laters.” 

He finally raised his chin in time to see her radiant red hair as it disappeared through the door into the cold night. Chop hopelessly whispered to himself, “Shit.” His thoughts were drowned out briefly by the revelry of the pub, a mixture of music, laughter, and cheers. Near the jukebox, a boy and girl kissed. “Fucking hell.” Chop pushed the chair, grabbed his jacket draped over the back, and rushed to catch up with her. 

Outside, cold air slapped his face. He immediately turned right, headed towards the street. As he passed the fence around the garden of The Swan, movement on the swings in the children’s play area caught his attention. Chop turned just long enough to see glimpses of Izzy’s ginger hair float by through the wooden slats. He instinctively turned, entering the deserted space through the side gate. 

There she was, swinging alone. Two floodlights from the the building lit up the area, bright near the side entrance and fading near the swing set. Everything was damp, coldness slowly seeping into Chop’s exposed skin. Their eyes met as he approached her. Izzy dug her bright floral wellies into the ground to stop the momentum of her swinging. She had pulled her hands into her jacket sleeves, wrapping them around the swing chains. Chop smiled at her, “What are you doing?”

“Couldn’t decide if I should go home or back inside.” 

He planted himself in the swing next to her, frigid pools of water seeping through his jeans and causing him to jump up. “For fuck’s sake!” 

Izzy laughed. “We should go back inside.” 

“I’m not going back in now, my arse is wet!” 

“Well mine is too, so we’ll both look ridiculous.” She held a hand out to him. “Come on then, help me up.” 

Chop obliged, the familiarity of her hand in his soothing the mix of emotions muddling his thoughts. Their footsteps caused a sloshing sound from the saturated grass. He loosened his grip on her hand as they crossed the garden. In response, Izzy tightened her fingers around his palm. His steps slowed in response and he looked at her confused. 

She shrugged. “I miss you too.”  

He angled his face down, studying the freckles sprinkled across the bridge of her nose and cheeks. “I know I fucked up with Arch, Iz. But you were no better for kissing Peter. Maybe I’ve got no right to be mad, but I am. I’m sorry at the same time though. I’ve always known what to do and I don’t now.”

“You haven’t always known what to do, you just thought you did. I think Archie proved that.” 

Chop pulled his hand from hers, wounded by the comment. “You say that like it’s fucking normal to have one of your best mates tell you he’s gay. How should I know to act a certain way?” 

Izzy raised her voice, the higher pitch breathing life into his anger, “For starters, why don’t you notice how people around you are acting? Everyone else in the gang supported Archie, except for you. You sided with those idiots on the football team.” 

“And you went off and kissed Peter, even though you didn’t want to.” 

“For fuck’s sake, let it go.” She turned to open the door and he blocked her.

“What do you mean, ‘let it go’? You fucking cheated on me, Iz. It burns me up thinking about that. I know I was wrong, but I’m trying to do right by Archie now.” Without warning Izzy wrapped her arms around his torso, pressing the side of her face into his chest. “What are you doing?”

Her voice was muffled, “I’m sorry.” She squeezed her arms tighter around him. “I’m so sorry.” 

Chop’s arms hovered above hers, just shy of returning her embrace. He rolled his eyes closed and savored the sensation of her form against his. “Why’d you do it?”

He sensed her pulling away and opened his eyes. Izzy took in a shaky breath. “Chop…” She pulled her bottom lip between her teeth and studied him. “When we started going out there were so many things I thought, things I had in my head it would be like. It never really was though. I told myself it was ok things were different, but when things happened with Archie I just got so mad. Peter and I know each other from drama and we got to talking in school. He understood, he was my friend. I just, I don’t know how it happened, I didn’t plan on it. We were out at the chippy one night and on the walk home the kiss happened. None of that makes it ok, I know.” 

“So you were unhappy with me before?”

“Maybe and I didn’t know it, just kept telling myself it was alright. I love you, Chop. I do, I just don’t know how to go back to being alright with things.” 

“Don’t know how to go back and be us?” 

Her eyes fluttered and he could see moisture glistening in the corners. “Maybe. Do you?”

“I want you to be happy, Iz. I fucking love you.” Chop’s heart was heavy. He’d thought tonight would be a chance to clear things up and move forward, but nothing was as he’d planned. His brain searched for anything else to say, but came up with nothing. 

A fragile smile crept across her face. “Fancy buying me a drink?” 

“I’d like that.” Chop reached down and pulled open the door, the warmth of the pub inviting them back inside. 

They returned to the bar, side-by-side. Chop leaned onto the brass railing, waving down the barman. “I’ll take a snakebite and black, she’ll have an orange soda.” There was a gentle tug at the side of his jacket and Chop looked over at Izzy. She was looking to where they had been earlier. A couple had taken their place, leaning into each other over the length of the small square table and laughing. He looked down to his coat, but there was nothing touching it.  _Weird._

Chop picked up their drinks and turned, surveying the room for somewhere to sit. They finally settled on sharing the end of a table with a rowdy group of lads at the other end. The noise caused them to lean into each other so they could hear what the other was saying. 

Over the next half hour they exchanged holiday plans and talked about their families, treading on safe ground. He adored watching her talk, the way she became animated about the most unexpected things like helping her grandmother decorate for Christmas the day before. Izzy made herself laugh and she would grab his arm in the middle of stories. He barely talked, but didn’t mind. After a while, they commiserated over how good it felt for the gang to be back together and Chop asked Izzy for advice on how to be a better friend to Archie. They laughed together recounting Chop’s impromptu kiss with him at The Swan the week before. 

Empty drinks in front of them, Chop offered, “Want another?”

Izzy shook her head. “I have to get home.” 

He had a difficult time hiding the disappointment in his voice, “Sure.” 

“We’ll do this again, yeah?”

“Yeah. Can I give you a lift home?”

“Nah, I like the walk. Thanks though.” She stood and put a hand on his shoulder. “I miss seeing you and the boys laugh. Next time the gang is together we need more of it.”

He chuckled, “Agreed.” 

She leaned down and kissed him on the cheek. “Night, Chop.” 

“Night, Iz.” He watched her leave this time, catching a smile from her as she turned to wave before pushing open the metal door to the parking lot. 

He left a few minutes later, packing himself into his car and starting the engine. Chop turned the heater to the highest setting and rubbed his hands together. A pine scented air freshener dangled from the rearview mirror. He hit it with his index finger, causing the cardboard form to spin, before reaching into his coat pocket for some gum. 

Shoved in his pocket was a piece of paper. He scrunched his brow and nose together, examining the lined sheet folded into a square.  _What?_ He remembered the tugging on his coat from earlier.  _Iz._ Chop slowly unfolded it and reached up to turn on the overhead light. 

Izzy had written in purple ink, her big loopy letters flowing across the page. Chop took in a deep breath and read, 

_Dear Chop,_

_I keep thinking I’ll know the perfect thing to say next time I see you, but every time I just lose my words. We were both wrong. What you did wasn’t to hurt me, but what I did was to hurt you. I’m no good at being angry. I suppose after this I know I’m no good at acting out either. I don’t want us to hate or go on without forgiving each other. No matter what happens, I want us to be friends. Can we be friends even if we broke each other’s hearts? I never thought that’s what would happen the night Peter walked me home. Maybe that’s how it happens though, when we think it won’t. I never meant to break your heart, only get your attention. I guess we both have a lot to learn. I can’t think of anything to get you for Christmas, which makes me sad. I don’t know that you’d want anything from me. So all I can think of can’t be wrapped in paper or with a bow, but I hope you’ll accept it all the same -_

_I’m sorry._

_Love - Izzy_

He sat in humbled silence.  _She came here to give this to me tonight, wrote it before._ Hot air blew from the vents through the car, filling the cab with the stale scent of artificial pine. Chop’s heart pounded in his chest as he blankly stared through the front windshield.  _Fuck it._ He tossed the note in the passenger’s seat and put the car in reverse, generating a whirring noise as a belt moved in the engine with the acceleration. He turned out of the car park, heading to Izzy’s house.


	4. Holly (Izzy POV)

**Tuesday, December 10, 1996: Holly**

Izzy leaned forward on her desk, eyes slipping in and out of focus as she stared at the quote scrawled across the chalkboard, 

“We are all born mad. Some remain so.” - Act II,  _Waiting for Godot_

The white edges of each letter blurred against the black surface, smudged into a grey hue by lingering chalk residue. Izzy licked her lips absentmindedly and daydreamed about the night before. She had been almost home when Chop’s car rumbled up next to her, the modified engine purring like an oversized lap cat. He barely shifted the gears into park before leaping out and rushing to wrap her in his arms. Their embrace lingered, Chops long arms and broad torso engulfing her in warmth. When he finally pulled away, the chilly night air against her neck and face was startling. 

Izzy’s mind dwelled on moments, nose dropping to the scarf slung around her neck and taking in a deep breath. It retained a faint smell from being pushed against Chop’s shirt twice the night before.  _Laundry soap._ Her fingers moved to brush against the delicate skin around her mouth where Chop’s touched as he took her face in his hands.  _Rough skin._  She closed her eyes and tiny pinpoints of light behind her eyelids appeared, like the night sky behind Chop’s head as she looked up at him.  _Stars._

“Izzy…Izzy?”

Hearing her name brought Izzy back to the present. “Huh?” She looked up to see their English Lit teacher staring at her along with the other students. “Sorry.” 

“Not quite to holiday break yet. Stay with us.” 

Izzy blushed a deep rose pink and straightened in her chair. “Right.” She glanced over her shoulder to Rae sitting diagonally behind her, who gave her friend a questioning look. 

The teacher proceeded to continue on with the review for their exam. Izzy forced her mind to focus, but spent more energy attempting to listen than actually retaining anything said. As class ended, she gathered her things and stood to face Rae, who offered her another wide-eyed quizzical expression. “What’s up with you today?”

Izzy shook her head as a broad smile spread across her lips. “I don’t know.” 

They left the classroom, filtering into the busy hallways and weaving between their peers. Rae continued, “Bollocks, it’s not like you to space out during Lit of all classes.” 

“I saw Chop last night.” 

Rae stopped abruptly and pulled Izzy toward a nearby bench along the wall. “What? You two officially back together.” 

“I dunno. We just talked and stuff. It’s the first time since I kissed Peter that it didn’t seem like we had angry stuff left to say though.” The two girls sat and Izzy dropped her backpack on the floor, crossing her legs and leaning forward in thought. 

“Well, that’s good, right?”

“He came after me. We had a bit of a row at The Swan, but I left a letter for him in his pocket. I wasn’t even home and he showed up.”

Rae grabbed Izzy’s shoulder. “Iz, that’s amazing!” 

She tucked her bottom lip between her teeth, rolling the soft flesh back and forth. “Suppose.”

“What do you mean? Don’t you want to get back together?” Rae backed off slightly, leaning away and dropping the hand from Izzy’s shoulder into her lap.  

“I dunno. Maybe. I want to think it’ll be different, you know? But I don’t know. I thought all I wanted was for us to be together again, but when I think it’s a possibility I get scared at the thought of just going back to how we were.” Her eyes worked their way from Rae’s hands up to her face. “I sound daft, don’t I?”

Rae shook her head, her eyes creasing softly around the edges as her mouth turned down slightly in a subtle expression of understanding. “No, you don’t.”

“I told him no matter what, I wanted us to find a way to be friends again. It was just so nice to be near each other and not feel so much uncertainty.” 

The steady stream of activity continued to buzz around them, drawing their attention away from each other intermittently. Izzy glanced down the hallway, where Peter stood near a set of lockers with two other friends from their drama class. He boisterously laughed, head dipping forward and shoulders shaking.  

“Have you talked to Peter?” Rae was looking over her shoulder, attempting to nonchalantly follow Izzy’s focus. 

Izzy dropped her chin, studying her hands. She worked her fingers together as shame radiated through her chest. “No, I’ve gotten pretty good at avoiding him in class and around school.” She despised herself for hurting anyone.  _That’s not who you are._ Izzy’s thoughts returned to Chop. “You know, I just keep thinking about how Chop made stupid decisions about Archie because he needed to learn something. What did I learn from kissing Peter? Why was I so stupid?”

Rae put her hand over Izzy’s, stilling the girl’s fingers. “You’re not stupid, Iz.” 

“It’s not even about Chop, you know? I feel horrible for hurting him, but I just keep thinking about why I would do that. I’ve never made a decision like it before. I hate the way it made me feel. The moment Arch saw us, it’s like my brain turned back on again or something.” 

“Yeah, but what were you thinking before Archie walked by?” 

Izzy took in a deep breath. “Like someone saw who I was under all the things about me that made them feel good.” As the last word left her mouth, Izzy felt a sense of relief and sadness.  _Does that mean Chop never really understood me?_ Crowds continued to dissipate from the halls as students left for the day. She became acutely aware of Rae’s silence as the two girls sat.

The thudding of boots approached them from behind Izzy. She watched as Rae’s face lit up, her affect soft and inviting.  _Finn._  Without looking, Izzy knew there were only a select few who inspired Rae to change demeanors so quickly and only one who drug the the thick soles of his shoes. She didn’t look back, instead enjoying how happy her friend was in the moment. 

It didn’t take long until Finn reached them, smiling like he had a present to give Rae, who was looking up at him. “What are you doing here?” 

“Thought I’d give you a lift home, plus I had a meeting in administration about coming back in the Spring.” 

Rae’s voice was low and hesitant, teeming with a restrained level of excitement, “Finn.” She lifted her hand, clasping the ends of his fingers in her palm. 

“Nothing’s settled yet, just had a chat about it being possible.” 

Izzy felt like a voyeur, watching them interact without anyone else around or being a part of the conversation.  _I should leave and let them chat._  She bent down to pick up her bag from the ground, unintentionally drawing their attention with her movements. Finn turned to her. “Want a ride, Izzy?”

“Sure.” She stood, playfully bumping into Finn’s side and knocking his relaxed footing backwards. “I always knew you’d be back.” 

Without warning he pulled his hand from Rae’s and wrapped Izzy in an embrace. The firmness of his hold caught her off-guard and she stood frozen for a moment, then dropped her bag with a loud thud and squeezed her arms as tightly as she could around his torso. She let out a grunt, as if they were wrestling. He pressed her shoulders inwards with his biceps and picked Izzy off the ground, whispering into her ear, “You should be happy.” 

The statement made her want to smile and cry at the same time. Finn was like a brother and she knew he said it out of concern and not as a directive. She whispered back, “I will be.” 

Finn released her on the ground and held his hand out to Rae. “You ready?”

She stood, a look of relaxed appreciation on her face from watching Izzy and Finn be affectionate. “Yeah. Missed this, missed us.”

The girls gathered their belongings and the three friends left the building, Izzy a few steps to the side of Rae and Finn. She couldn’t stop herself from smiling, seeing the two of them comfortably together. Izzy knew it wasn’t that simple, but even brief moments of it was enough to remind her things can change. Rae occasionally let her eyes flit around, as if someone was watching them. Izzy noticed Finn held her hand closer and Rae reassured him with a smile. 

Once inside Finn’s car and the engine turned over, indistinguishable music blared from the speakers in the doors, causing them to rattle. He frantically turned it down and offered the two girls a sheepish grin. “Sorry.” Within seconds, college disappeared through the rear window. 

Izzy zoned out the mix of music and chatter from the front seat, staring out the window at the grey sky. She pushed her lips against each other.  _Dry._ Unzipping the front pocket of the bag perched on her lap, she pushed her hand into the small pocket in search of lip balm. Soft, sharp plastic pinched her hand. Izzy muttered to herself, “Ouch!” Her hand pulled back involuntarily and she carefully reached back in to extract the offending object.  _Holly_. A bundle of plastic holly leaves with bright red berries in the center sat in her palm. Izzy scrunched her nose, contemplating why the foliage was in her bag.  _Peter_. 

She ran her fingers over the waxy plastic and thought about the day they kissed. They had stayed at school late, helping with drama sets. Peter found some old holly bundles in a box full of random holiday paraphernalia. They sat on the stage, stringing together tinsel and lights for the better part of two hours. At one point, he playfully pushed a holly bundle into her hair. While other students finished their tasks and left, the Drama teacher had to finally tell them it was time to finish up long after the sky had turned dark. Peter offered to take her home. Izzy remembered their slow pace, ambling through the streets. She couldn’t remember exactly what either of them said, just how refreshing it was to talk with someone who really listened to things going on in her life. The fall had been overshadowed with Rae and Finn’s breakup, Archie coming out, and Chloe’s disappearance. She felt her life becoming a footnote and hated it. 

The moon was full, lighting up the sky more than usual. They took a shortcut down an alley and Peter stepped ahead of her, turning and stopping abruptly. He leaned into the chainlink fence on one side of them, taking her hand in his. “I like you, Izzy.” 

His words rang in Izzy’s ears and her chest tightened at the memory. She pushed her hands together, remembering how intentional Peter’s touch felt.

He leaned in, gently pressing their lips together. It was only a second, but she moved hers against his in response. Izzy pulled back and looked down at her feet. Peter tugged on her hand and they turned back to the street. As she looked up, Archie was staring at them from the end of the alley.  _Shit._  She and Peter said a hasty good-bye and Archie took her to The Swan. She began crying before he returned to the table with their drinks, unable to make sense of why she had kissed Peter. Archie was patient and understanding, listening to her sift through the confusion. When she excused herself to the toilets after Chop showed up with the footie lads, Izzy stared at herself in the mirror.  _What’s so horrible about being ordinary?_ She wanted to instantly go back. She was unsure of how far though.  _Before Peter kissing me. Before Chloe hanging out with Ian. Before Archie coming out. Before Finn and Rae breaking up._ Her mind had a hard time distinguishing the good from bad moments, they muddled together in her mind. 

Izzy caught her reflection in a rear side window of the car and took a deep breath. The sensation of being held by Chop clashed against the memory of Peter’s touch. Izzy’s chest tightened at the uneasiness of not knowing herself.  _It’s not about them, is it? What’s wrong with me?_ _  
_

She leaned forward, raising her voice just loud enough to interrupt Finn and Rae, “Can you take me to Archie’s house?” 

Finn answered, “Sure. Why?”

“Think I left something there at the party.” 

A few turns later, Finn slowed the car in front of Archie’s house. The engine idled as Izzy climbed out of the back, swinging the door closed. He rolled down the window. “Want us to wait?”

“No, don’t worry about it. I can walk from here.” 

Rae spoke across him from the passenger’s seat, “You sure?” 

“Yeah, thanks though.” Izzy raised her hand and waved. She heard them pull away as she neared Archie’s front door. Her knuckles tapped on the wood door, the lament paint cold against her skin. She fought back tears.  _Don’t cry._ She couldn’t stop the involuntary trails of water falling down her face and pushed them across her cheeks with the cuff of her flower-covered jacket. 

Archie’s mum answered, her face transitioning from a pleasant greeting to concerned parent within seconds. “Oh dear, are you alright?”

Izzy sniffled, “Is Archie home?”

“He went round to the store to get some milk for me. I’m making cookies.” She paused, furrowing her brow and pursing her lips. “Love, you should come inside. Want to wait for him?”

“Can I?”

“Come on then.” She held an arm out, ushering Izzy into the house.


End file.
